How will you live through it?
by squidgy78
Summary: Sams been acting weird lately, Spike wants help and find out why but he has his own problems. How will they make their decisions and will they be able to live with them?
1. Good distraction

**A/N- This is my first fanfiction, if you have any suggestions let me know. I hope you like it!**

_**Spikes pov**_

"Hey Winnie, why did the chicken cross the road?", I pause, "To get to the other side !"

"Spike", groans Winnie, "That is so old "

"It still made you laugh though didn't it", I say as she smiles that beautiful smile of hers.

Suddenly someone roughly bumps into me, I turn and see that it was Sam. He doesn't turn around when I ask him if he is okay. I glance at Winnie then quickly follow him into the locker room.

When I get to the locker room I don't see Sam but I figure that he is just going to the washroom. When he comes out in full SRU uniform including the cool pants I'm surprised and I start to get worried. Why would he be changing in the washroom and not in the locker room like usual. As I'm thinking about this he brushes past me again not saying anything. I stare after him deciding that I was going to have to tell the Sarge that I thought something was up.

Out in the hallway I see Leah on her way in, I decide quickly to ask her if she noticed something weird was going on with Sam.

"Hey Leah !", I shout just catching her before she made her way into the ladies room.

"Oh wow Spike, you're ready earlier than usual. Did you not stop to have your regular lengthy chat with Winnie?", she teases me and smirks

I blush slightly but I still say "Actually I did but Sam smacked right into me, even when I asked if he was okay he didn't answer. He has been acting odd this morning, I purposely leave out the part in the locker room not wanting Leah to worry that Sam might not be able to do the job.

"I will talk to Jules, maybe her and Sam had a falling out." Leah replies to me.

"Thanks Leah", I smile turning towards the workout room to talk to the boss, when I hear "Team one we got a hot call" , I sigh, I guess it will have to wait I think.

**A/N I hoped you liked it, I will probably have the next chapter up within the next week or so.**


	2. Punch, war, punch

**A/N- I managed to finish this chapter quickly! Thank you for all the reviews! I like constructive criticism, I will take your points into consideration. I hope you like it.**

_**Sam's pov**_

"Team one we got a hot call", I hear Winnie say into the P.A system.

I smile and jog to the SRU van eager to have a distraction from my dark thoughts.

"Alright, what do have Winnie", I take over what boss usually says.

I hear Winnie hesitate before she says, "There is a middle aged woman name Alicia Adams who is having suicidal thoughts today. She was spotted on a highway bridge."

I chalk up Winnies hesitation to just her being surprised about having me ask her about the info on the subject when Sargent Parker normally does. I suppose that maybe I was a bit too excited for the distraction and decide to tone it down a little.

I hear the passenger side door opening, Jules climbs in quickly, looking surprised with the fact that I was already in the car, then shuts the door behind her. I give her a small shrug in return to her questioning look.

Spike and Winnie give us details on the woman Alicia. Jules tries to strike up a conversation but I'm too busy thinking about Spike. "He already suspects something is wrong with you, why don't you talk to him about it?", a voice in my head says. I start to slowly nod when another voice says "No! Come on toughen up Braddock, you are fine you don't need any help." The other kinder voice interrupts and says sweetly, "Sam don't listen to him you deserve a little leeway after all you have been through."

"Sam! Sam!", Jules voice jerks me back to the present " Let's go, we are here", she says urgently.

"Right, right, sorry", I say worried that the whole team had heard.

I quickly grab a harness for the negotiator to wear, when they are on the edge of the bridge. The role would be fulfilled by Jules since it is easier for a woman to connect to another woman.

While Jules is trying to get Alicia to realize what she is doing the rest of us stiffly stand listening intently to their conversation. At last I hear Alicia Adams admit that she really doesn't want to die. Everyone sighs with relief as she climbs down from the tall bridge. It is a difficult day for everyone especially the negotiator if they lose a life.

On the way back to the SRU everyone listens to Spike talk excitingly about the new upgrades he made to baby cakes.

After the one call it is a slow day, so the boss makes everybody after they've changed, head to the workout room.

I slowly walk towards the locker room hoping that the guys will have changed quickly, so that no one will see what my body looks like. Luckily it is empty when I arrive. I strip my SRU uniform and put on workout clothes quickly even though know that it is unlikely that anyone will come back.

I race to the workout room hoping to make up for the lost time, I get there in record time wishing that nobody will notice my absence. Of course I should expect more of my team considering they are the best in the city. I'm expecting some sort of reprimand but all I get is Ed teasing me about taking my sweet beauty time.

Jules and Leah are on the mats teaching each other new combat moves, Spike is speedily running on the treadmill while Ed and Greg are lifting weights. The only exercise left to do is the punching bag.

I wrap my hands before I take a few deep sniper breaths and step in front of the bag.

I start punching the bag with all my strength, the rest of the world drifting away from me. I feel my hands hitting the bag, all I can think is punch, war, punch, he's dead, punch, come on Sam hit it harder. In the distance I can faintly hear Parker tell me I should slow down. I keep going anyway trying to rid my brain of anything bad that has ever happened to me. I almost succeed but instead my vision turns to black.

**A/N- I hope that you all liked it. I will reveal what is wrong with Sam in the next chapter or so. Also Spikes problems will be surfacing. Review !**


	3. bruises

**A/N- I'm glad that you all liked it so far! It means a lot to me. Your reviews have given me a new idea so I'm hoping that I will be able to fit it in. The beginning of this chapter starts when Sam walks in to the workout room from spikes pov. Hope you like it!**

_**Spikes pov**_

I run quickly on the treadmill hoping to get some of my pent up energy out, but when I see Sam walk in I slow down. Why does he keep avoiding changing in front of us?, I wonder. Ed makes a joke, and he walks over to the punching bag. I am about to go talk to the boss to tell him what I've been thinking when I hear Sam viciously punching the bag. He doesn't slow down and by now the rest of the team has stopped what they are doing and are watching him. I hear Ed whisper to Greg that he seems to be getting some kind of anger out. The Sarge responds to this by walking near Sam and telling him he should slow down. When he doesn't respond I make a motion with my head to show Leah that it is time to talk to Parker about our worries. She nods and starts to make her way over when Sam just drops to the floor in a pile of limbs. Jules runs quickly over to him and checks his pulse.

"He just blacked out. His heart is racing, maybe it is from him pushing too hard?" Jules suggests.

"Okay, Ed, Jules you go and get him comfortable. Let me know when he wakes up because I want to talk to him. By the looks of you two," Sarge turns to us, "You have something to tell me".

Ed picks Sam up and gently puts him over his shoulder while Jules runs out of the room to find somewhere to put him.

"I think that something is seriously wrong with Sam", I start, "He won't change with the rest of us and this morning he seemed to be thinking really hard about something because when he bumped in to me he didn't even notice", I would have laughed at that but this was definitely not the time to find something funny.

"I talked to Jules and she said that Sam and been really closed off and tense this past week, he seemed worries about something but, there also seems more to it.", Leah added.

Greg nodded his head, "I guess that when he wakes up he will have a lot of explaining to do."

I start to walk over to Winnie's desk to find out if she knows where Ed and Jules with Sam, when I hear Jules shouting at the others and I to come see what she found. The boss, Leah and I exchange a quick worried look before we follow her to a room beside the men's locker room.

I gasp when I see what Jules had found on Sam's body. He was covered in dark green and purple bruises. Some of them looked recent but others appeared older.

Everyone stared, worried sick, at Sam's body waiting for him to wake up and give a good reason to why his normally perfect conditioned body was beaten to a pulp.

**A/N I couldn't decide whether to add Sam's pov to this chapter. In the end I decided that the reason this will come out in the next chapter from his pov. I hoped you liked it! Please review!**


	4. The flashbacks

**A/N- Hope you enjoy it!**

_Sam's pov_

I could hear voices talking. I figured that I could safely assume that they were talking about me considering I randomly fainted in the middle of a workout. I try to open my eyes but the light is blinding and it is too much for my body. I fall back into unconsciousness.

I'm standing beside my little sister on the sidewalk, I know what is going to happen but I am powerless to stop it. I watch helplessly as she gets knocked off her feet, right out of her shoes and dies in front of me. I remember the look of pure agony on my mother's face, the horror on Natalie's, and the General's emotionless face when they found out what had occurred. I let that happen under my care! I mentally scream at myself. How could I cause everyone so much misery at such a young age, once it started it never stopped.

Now I'm in Afghanistan, I'm being given the go ahead to shoot everything in the area. I try to stop, screaming in my head that I _have_ stop, that Matt is down there and if I go ahead I will kill him, but I can't keep my finger from pulling the trigger. I see myself staring down at the pieces that used to be Matt and feeling the raw pain of grief all over again.

I see the General standing before me, looking as unfeeling as normal, but I can still tell that he is enraged. He raises his fist to strike me…

I wake up sweating and breathing heavily. Immediately I sit up and search for as many escape exits as I can find, that is when I notice my team standing around me anxiously waiting for me to speak. I realize I'm not in a war zone anymore, I slowly lay back down with a throbbing head. That's when I become conscious of the fact that they can see the bruises, I quickly try to cover them up.

Spike says quietly, "We've already seen them buddy".

I grimace and mutter faintly, "What do you want to know?"

In which Parker replies, "Everything."

I've immediately decide that I won't tell them about the flashbacks because they seem so worried about me and I haven't even started my story. I commence by saying that the General had come to town for a visit.

I hear Jules say, "Yeah right", under her breath, but she speaks up when she says, "Is that why you have been acting on edge this past week?"

I nod, "He said he came to see me and I almost believed that he missed me. Of course that was foolish to think, the General never does anything for pleasure. We had been talking one night and he brought up the idea of going back to the army." Seeing the looks on my teammates faces I quickly say, "I immediately refused it by saying that my place was with the SRU. I told him that I can still make a difference with them. After what happened in Afghan I wasn't going to go back. I told him that I had followed in his footsteps long enough and I was done with that, it was time I started to be my own person. I suppose that you can figure out on your own what happened next." I spit out with contempt.

The shocked looks on everyone's faces quickly turn to anger. I could tell that everybody was silently devising a plan to get rid of the General.

I speak up quickly, "As much as I despise him he is still my father."

"Has he gone back to where he belongs?", Spike asks. I can feel the hatred rolling off of him in waves.

"Luckily the answer is yes", I replied smugly.

"Don't look so happy yet mister, you haven't told us yet where those older bruises came from", Leah says almost as if she is my mother.

I quickly make a lie saying that I fell one morning on my daily jog, not wanting to tell them whole truth yet. Parker looks dubious, for a second I think that he will call me out on my lie, but instead he just shakes his head.

"We have somehow managed to have an eventful day with only one hot call, how about we call it quits and ask team 3 to come in earlier for their shift?", Ed says looking for confirmation from Greg.

Greg nods his head, " Sam go home and get some rest and for God's sake please take a break from work tomorrow before you end up in a hospital!"

I shake my head yes, but I already know that I will be at work tomorrow and that I definitely won't be getting any sleep tonight. Because I know that when I sleep that's when the demons will come and I won't be able to wake up from the never ending horrible flashback of my life.

**A/N- Thank you for all of the lovely reviews! Also to my friend for helping me a bit with this chapter. Please keep reviewing and reading!**


	5. Challenges

**A/N - I would like to give a special thank you to Samaholic for reviewing so consistently. I would like to hope that many of my other readers will do the same. Everyone's reviews give me inspiration to keep writing. Thank you and I hope you like this next chapter.**

_Spikes pov_

As I drive to work I start to think about my conversation with my Pa last night. It had not gone over well.

I had been worried about Sam but despite that I tried to be happy that I got the rest of the afternoon off. I was going to surprise my parents, only when I got home my ma was out shopping so I was left alone with my Pa. Things hadn't been going so well between us lately in result I was a bit cautious. I found him in the living room resting, his illness was getting worse by the day. I went to pull up the blanket that was slipping from his shoulders, trying to be careful not to wake him. I had no such luck, he woke grumbling that he was not going to accept anything from a son that wouldn't listen to him. I had ignored him and said that I had the afternoon off and wanted to spend some time with him. He told me that he was not going to spend any time with me and that I should leave him alone. He was going to avoid me until I had some sense knocked in to me, that he was surprised that it hadn't already been done considering that my best friend had died right in front of me.

His words still stung like a whip lash, but I need to forget about that right now and focus on work, I can make amends with him tonight.

I pull in to the parking lot of the SRU and I see Sam in the driver seat of his car with his eyes closed. That's weird, I think. I thought that the boss had given him the day off. I go over to his car to see if he is okay. I tap on his window and he jolts awake looking frantic. When he sees me he visibly relaxes and he opens the car door to get out.

"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep", Sam tells me.

"Not get much sleep last night? Was something keeping you awake?", I ask.

"I slept fine, I must be tired from the job it gets tough around this time of year, eh?", he says.

I shrug my shoulders. He has got to be lying, there is no way the job is wearing him out seeing as we had half of a day off yesterday. There is something else wrong and I am going to have to find out for the sake of the team and for the sake of Sam's wellbeing.

**A/N- Okay so I realize this is a really short chapter and I'm really sorry about that. I am trying to do a whole bunch of things at once right now but I will try to get the next chapter done for tomorrow. Think of this chapter as a build-up for the next one, which I'm hoping will turn out to be really good. Thanks and review! **


	6. Italian past

**A/N- I used Google translate for the Italian parts so I hope that they aren't wrong, if they are feel free to let me know. Hope that you like it!**

_Spikes pov_

I walk in to the SRU with Sam, eager to talk to Winnie. I'm hoping that she will be able to help cheer me up. I find her at her desk, as usual. When she sees me her face lights up, I blush, but I'm glad that she is so happy to see me.

"Hey Spike, you just missed a phone call, I think it was your mom because she asked to see you and she was talking really fast in Italian."

My must look troubled because Winnie's face sags.

"So it wasn't your mom then", She says slowly.

"Well it might have been but I thought that my ma knew to call my cell phone. What makes that even weirder is she knows that I don't like it when she phones me at work.", I say feeling confused. "If this mysterious person phones back let me know right away, okay?", I ask. Winnie nods her head immediately.

The whole team is working out, including Sam who managed to get the Boss to let him do a light jog on the treadmill, when I hear Winnie quickly say over the P.A system that the woman was here in the SRU and she wanted to speak to me right away.

I am interested to see who this person is so I put down the weights and jog out of the room with the rest of the team following me. What I see surprises me the woman is average height and maybe a little on the overweight side. She has long, frizzy, brown hair, she looks just like a woman that I know in Italy. As soon as she sees me she starts talking rapidly in Italian. I glance at the Sarge and he nods his head at me. I take that as a signal to try to get her talk to English.

Okay, slow down and start from the beginning, what happened?", I ask in English.

She says in Italian, "I don't speak English".

I frown and turn to the team. Jules turns to Sam and says, "Is he even fluent in Italian?". I roll my eyes then quickly turn back to the woman, knowing that if I start to speak Italian then the team won't know what is happening, they won't like it, but I guess I have no choice.

"Inizia fin dall'inizio", I say then for the benefit of the team I say in English, "Start from the beginning". The team looks shocked that I can speak Italian as well as the woman, with no English accent. I would be filled with pride if the situation weren't so strange.

I continue to speak in Italian to the woman and translate for the rest of the team but when the discussion becomes more heated I forget about doing that, leaving the team standing there confused.

"Non capisco, perché non si accetta il mio aiuto squadre? ", I say getting angry.

"Ti ho già detto, che la uccido! ", she yells at me. Then grabs my shirt and tries to start shaking me, yelling profanities at me in Italian, I stand there in total shock waiting for her to calm down. Her emotions go to one extreme to another and she starts to cry holding on to me in a hug.

"Posso solo aiutare se si lascia che la mia squadra di aiuto", I say quietly. She shakes her head yes.

I turn to the team and state strongly, "Team one, we got a hot call, I'll explain on the way", my voice thick with an Italian accent. Everyone looks confused but the follow me to the SRU van that is already loaded with all the gear.

_Sams pov_

"Spike, what's going on here man, who is that woman?", the Boss asks.

"Her name is Carmela Marino, she says that her daughter is being held hostage in the Royal York Hotel. She didn't want the rest of the team to help, she said that it had to be only me or else they would kill her daughter. I convinced her to accept your help, I don't think that having you guys there will be dangerous for the girl, Rosa Marino, because Carmela has not had contact with any of the kidnappers. She knows that her daughter has been kidnapped because she found a threat in her daughters room saying when and where the subject will take Rosa hostage. Rosa must have thought that is was a prank and ignored it.", Spike replies.

"Why did she want only you and how does she know you?", I ask Spike.

I hear Spike speaking to Carmela who is in the back seat of his car. "She won't tell me anything more, she says that when we get there I will know what is happening", Spike answers.

"Well I guess we are about to solve this mystery", Ed says as we all pull in to the parking lot of the Royal York Hotel.

The Carmela says something to Spike in Italian, he turns to us and says, "They are on the second floor".

We pile in to the elevator minus Mrs. Marino as Spike told her to stay in the truck. We reach the second floor and go stealth mode to the end of the hallway where we can see a girl being held at gun point by a man in all black clothing. The girl must be Rosa, she is crying and pleading in Italian, I catch the name Spike more than once in her words. I turn to Spike in time to see his eyes go wide, he drops to his knees with his hands on his head. I hear him say a lot colourful words in English and Italian. He starts to mumble, "Oh my God, it isn`t her, it can`t be her, oh my God how did I not notice".

**A/N- I hope that you enjoyed this chapter, please review!**


	7. Shots fired

**A/N- I had a bit of trouble with choosing which point of view some parts should go in but I hope that you like it!**

_Spikes pov_

"Spike, what do you mean it can't be her? Who is this girl?", Greg asked hearing me mumbling. I can't seem to find my words so I just shake my head. The Boss realizing I can't answer says, "Winnie find out everything you can about Rosa Marino and how she has a connection to Spike."

After several seconds Winnie reading it off her computer says, "I found a file on her, but it's been secured I can't open it unless the person who locked it gives permission for me to open it."

"Well I guess we need to get permission from whoever secured it, I can phone them up once you've found that information", The Sarge says.

I know what Winnie is going to say even before she says it, "Boss, the person who secured it… It says that this file has been locked by Michelangelo Scarlatti."

Everyone freezes and turns to look at me. I say finding my voice again, "I know, I know I'll explain." The team nods willing to let me take my time despite the situation. "Rosa Marino was my best friend when I was a kid we did everything together and I mean everything. When I decided that I wanted to become a Cop, she disagreed and said that it would ruin my life. It was the first thing that we had argued about in a long time. I never knew why she hated Officers so much. She tried to blackmail me into going to university with her but of course I told her she had nothing to blackmail me with. So she made a fake video of me breaking into people's houses and coming back out with money and jewelry. Rosa showed me the video, I ended up watching it over and over again. I was handy with computers even back then and I noticed that someone had to actually be breaking into the houses for the video to look real. I looked up reports on stolen items and found that the things in the video were the same as the ones that had been reported. I made Rosa give back all of the people's money and jewelry but, the crime still had to be reported. I managed to get the case file locked so that Rosa could still go to university. I don't know if she ended up going to school, because she hated me after that and I was still so mad that she would do something like that to me, I didn't end up contacting her. I moved to Canada after that to join the Police force her, I never saw her again until now.", I finish my story sadly.

"And you did all this in Italian?, Jules asks obviously trying to lighten the dark mood, everyone smirks.

"Let's get back to the subject on hand now", Ed says, Spike, you will have to negotiate seeing as you're the only one that speaks Italian."

"Just remember to connect to them try to understand where they are coming from and if anything goes wrong Sam is Scorpio.", Greg says.

I nod in reply. Why are you so nervous? Come on Spike toughen up, this is Rosa life on the line here, I think to myself.

I step in the captor's line of sight and Rosa shouts happily upon seeing me, I give her a tight lipped smile and turn my attention to the man holding the gun.

"Che cosa vuoi?", The hostile man asks.

What do I want?, I stop to think before I reply in English, "I want for everyone to get out of here safely. Why don't you tell me your name?".

"I thought that the man spoke Italian not English", the Boss says in my ear.

"Fine, my name is Roberto Amari, you had better tell me yours now", Roberto says angrily.

I comply by saying, "My name is Michelangelo Scarlatti, but most people call me Spike, I work for the SRU. Can you tell me why you have brought Miss Rosa Marino here today?"

"She is a stupid girl, that took my land in Alaska!", Roberto yells.

"Lui è pazzo!", Rosa cries out.

"Winnie please check all hospitals to see if they have a man named Roberto Amari in their records", I hear Greg say in my earpiece again. He must have gotten Winnie to get a translator.

I kindly ask Mr. Amari why Rosa thinks that he is crazy, he says that he does not know, all he knows that Rosa is a liar and now owns all of his land in Alaska.

"Boss, I'm starting to think here that Rosa is right, how can she have land in Alaska? I mean I know it is possible but, he has an Italian accent when he speaks English, and his Italian is perfect.", I speak quietly so that Roberto can't hear me.

"Okay, so I asked all of the hospitals and apparently he has been admitted into more than one. He was diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia in 2004", Winnie informs the team.

I take in what Winnie has told us and say, "Roberto, we know that Miss Marino took your land and we are getting it back for you now."

"Liar! I don't have any land in Alaska, I'm not even a schizophrenic I made that all up.", Roberto cackles.

"Why would you go to all of that trouble?", I ask, confused.

"So I could get to you!", He howls, somehow finding this all terribly funny.

He raises his gun at me, I hear the word Scorpio but the only bullet that is fired is the one that _hits me_.

**A/N- Please review and keep reading to find out what happens next!**


	8. Liar, liar

**A/N- Sorry it took me longer than usual to update! Hope that you like the chapter!**

_Spikes pov_

I could only feel pain, my whole body felt like it was on fire. I try to stay conscious but the blackness slowly closes over my vision.

_Sams pov_

I watch my team around me, almost as if it's in slow motion, realize what has happened. I watch the horror dawn on their faces, the same look that passed over my face all those years ago when I found out what happened to Matt. They all turn to me for a quick moment, I feel as if they are blaming me for what has happened to Spike, before they set into motion. I'm left standing there wondering why their attitude toward me was off, then I recognize that accusing look. The one you get when you have done something terribly wrong and it can't be fixed. I suddenly understand what I have done. The weight of it lands on me heavily and my mind goes into shock before I begin to see the scene play over again in my mind. Greg saying Scorpio as Roberto raises his gun and shoots Spike, I see Spike fall to the ground again and again in my head it won't stop and I can't, I won't let it stop. I was Scorpio, I was supposed to take that shot!

I'm shaken out of my thoughts by Ed shouting, "Take Rosa out of here bring her to the car and wait for us there!"

Rosa hearing this hurries over to me, she, noticing that I was in some kind of mental turmoil takes my arm and leads me out to the car.

In the SRU van Rosa asks in halting English, "Were you – supposed - to – kill that- man?"

I nod my head, almost drowning myself in my own sorrow, everyone that I am closet to always ends up getting hurt, my whole family, Matt, Spike, I've even let down the team when I didn't take that shot.

Rosa sees the ambulance pulling away with the sirens and lights blazing, she also points out Jules walking toward the van Rosa and I are in. I'm not in the mood to talk so I quickly turn on the car with the sirens on and follow the paramedics vehicle, Jules will have ride with someone else to the hospital. Rosa makes a noise in her throat when she sees what I've done but makes no comment.

When we arrive at the hospital I tell Rosa to go with the rest of the team, she complies giving me sad look. I rush off before anyone on the team can call me to come over and talk to them. I wander the hallways of North York General Hospital waiting for a phone call telling me that Spike is going to be alright.

_Spikes pov_

I come to and see a nurse leaning over me checking my heart rate. "Hello there, I see you are finally awake, how are you feeling?", she says.

My vision is fuzzy so I blink rapidly trying to clear it. "I'm – having a bit – of – of –trouble seeing – and – apparently – trouble talking", I say getting a little bit frustrated at myself. I know I should relax I was shot and it is expected that it will take time to recover.

"That is probably just the medication that you're on, it is quite strong so that should explain why your body is numb right now, it should be a while before it wears off. There is some men that want to see you, I suggest that you let them in as people are starting to think that something is seriously wrong here, _Officer_.", The nurse smiles before she leaves. What she said made sense and I decide that I like her.

The team walks in with Rosa trailing behind them. Her eyes light up when she catches a glimpse of me but, the light in them noticeably dims when she sees the bad condition that I'm in.

"Latti! Mi dispiace di averti portato in questo, non ho mai dovuto dire niente di te. Ho solo pensato che si sarebbe in grado di aiutare e ora guarda cosa ho fatto. Oh Latti Mi dispiace tanto!", Rosa wails. (Latti! I am so sorry for bringing you into this, I never should have said anything about you. I just thought that you would be able to help and now look what i have done. Oh Latti, I am so sorry!)

"Mi andrà bene, non ti preoccupare", I say, Italian flowing from my mouth easily. I point to the team suggesting that we should speak in English for them. (I will be fine, don't worry.)

"Hey _Latti_, how are you feeling?, The Boss asks smirking.

I smile at my old nickname and am about to reply when I notice that Sam is not with them, the smile immediately falls from my face. "Where is Sam?", I demand.

"Oh, he just went to the washroom, he should be back in a minute", Ed tries to smile reassuringly.

I catch his lie right away, I can tell that Rosa does to because her lips turn down slightly. We were always good at reading people. I decide to go along with not wanting to start an argument, "You will send him in when he gets back?"

Everyone nods vigorously, I yawn, "He – must get – some – sleep", Rosa tells the team. They shake their heads yes again and file out of the room, all but Rosa. And Sam who was never here in the first place, I think before drifting off into a deep sleep.

**A/N- Don't worry there is a lot of Sam whump to come, please review!**


	9. Damaged

**A/N- Sorry it took me so long to update, I have had no inspiration what so ever! I have noticed how ridiculously short my chapters are so I am going to try to make them longer, reviewing always help me write! Thank you to . for pointing out that I didn't say where Spike got shot so that is in this chapter. I hope you like this next chapter.**

_Spikes pov_

I wake up to the sound of someone walking to the room, when I open my eyes I see that the person is Sam. Good I need to talk to him, I think.

"Samtastic! Where – were –y- you?", I ask, cursing myself for still having that stutter, I was hoping it would have gone after I had some rest.

"Oh Spike, I'm so sorry! I was Scorpio, all of this", Sam cries gesturing to me in the hospital bed, "is my fault".

"Hey Sam", I say quietly, "I'm fine - now d - don't worry about it."

"You are not fine! You are lying in a hospital bed because of my stupidity!", Sam shouts loudly.

I'm totally taken aback by his outburst and sit there in silence while Sam stands there fuming. Rosa rushes into the room demanding us to tell her what is going on. I try to reply but I have no idea what just happened so I wait for Sam to answer but, he just huffs and storms quickly out of the room. I sigh quietly and Rosa comes to my bedside and gives me a small kiss on my forehead. I fall back asleep again, with Rosa by my side not noticing Winnie standing outside the room's window with a pained look on her face.

_Sam's pov_

I rush out of the room with a billion thoughts running through my head not even caring when I smack into Winnie and she cries out in shock. A fully dressed Officer is definitely quite an irregular scene in a hospital as I am earning many quizzical and frightened looks from everyone I pass. Everyone except the Boss who gives me a sympathetic look and follows me through the mute coloured hallways until I slow down and come to a stop.

"Sam I understand your pain, I know how you feel", the Sarge says trying to negotiate with me.

"How can you know how I feel? You weren't the one who just let your friend get shot in the chest!", I yell getting worked up all over again.

This time when I take off running I leave the building looking for a place where I can feel safe. I remember that Natalie found a job and is staying in Toronto. I jog to her cozy apartment burning off some of my steam on the way there.

I knock on the door and softly call, "Natalie are you there?"

I really hope that she is home because she is the sole person who would listen to what I went through in Afghan. It was upbeat, party ready, can't hold a job or a boyfriend Natalie that helped me through everything. She was the one who gave me hope, not my mom or dad like in most families.

I am surprised when Jules opens the door. She gives me a small smile when she sees me, "I knew you would come here. Natalie is inside if you want to talk to her."

I walk in the front door and see Natalie sitting on the deep purple couch in front of a flat screen T.V. "Sammy!", she shouts jumping up. "I heard about what happened and I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you, Jules too."

"Why are you here?", I question Jules, suddenly pissed that she was there. I didn't want her hearing all my secrets and what I'd been through just yet.

"Like Natalie said I'm here because I want to be here for you, I want you to have more than just Natalie to turn to.", Jules responds calmly.

"Don't worry Sammy, just let all out no one is going to judge you.", Natalie reassures me.

I decide that Jules is not going to go anywhere because she so stubborn and I start to tell Natalie what is going through my brain. I don't face Jules though she will have to suffice with just hearing me and not having me look at her. When I tell Natalie about the General she gasps in horror. I assure her that I am fine now. I talk about my nightmare that I have each night.

"This is all good Sammy, but I have to go now. You and Jules are welcome to stay here until you are done", Natalie tells us. I realize that Natalie is almost like my personal therapist, I have to stifle a laugh when I think about it.

I quickly turn serious after Natalie leaves and I am alone with Jules. I know that I have been distant from her a lot recently and it is time that I give her the whole truth.

"Jules this time around I am going to tell you everything that you want to know.", I acknowledge her for the first time after I came in.

Jules nods her head slowly, "Sam I trust you completely, if you want to stop though just let me know and we can take a break. Why didn't you take the shot?"

Her direct question startles me but I guess that she doesn't want me to start procrastinating, "I have been having flashbacks since my first tour in Afghan after my second tour they got really bad, this time I didn't have Matt to help me. Lately they have been getting worse I've been remembering what I did to Matt and what the General did to me. Did you know that I used to have a little sister?"

"I only know that something terrible happened to her but you don't talk about her much", Jules responds.

I stiffen when Jules answers my question, of course she doesn't know what happened, I tell myself, only my family, if that's what you call it, and that lady from SIU know.

Jules must notice the change in my body language as she gets a questioning look in her eyes.

"She got hit by a car when we were on our way to the park", I say quietly not caring to elaborate any further.

"I'm sorry", Jules tells me looking down at her lap. "Why don't we take a break then come back to this later?"

"No I have to finish, I need to get it all out.", I take a deep breath then continue on, "In answer to y- your earlier question", I stutter not wanting to say what I didn't do. "I couldn't take the shot because I was thinking that if I took the shot then I would be killing Matt again and again. That I could have changed the past. Oh God I could have saved Spike! Stupid, stupid, stupid." I whisper over and over willing myself to stop but not being able to. I end up just cradling my knees and rocking back and forth thinking that never in my life have I felt so helpless.

"Sam? Sam! It's going to be alright Spike is okay. Soon he will be back at work telling us all about the new improvements he made on Babycakes." Jules worriedly says.

The only words I utter are, "You're lying, I killed Spike."

_Spike's Pov_

I wake up to see the nurse from earlier standing beside my hospital bed, checking my vitals.

"I see you are still alive and well", She says smiling at me. "There is someone here to see you", she adds, winking.

I'm confused as to what she means so I just lay there until I realize she is waiting for my conformation to let the mysterious person in. "Go ahead let them in, thank you Miss...?"

"Claire Jenkins", she replies before leaving.

Shortly after Winnie walks in with a bunch of papers in her hand. "How are you feeling?", she asks.

"I'm slowly getting better." I reply even though I am getting sick of hearing people ask me that over and over again.

"I'm really sorry that I have to burden you with this but the SRU needs to have conformation in writing that you will need someone to fill in for you. Greg asked me to give it to you since he can't be here. I've already typed everything up, you just need to sign here.", Winnie tells me, her voice sounding sympathetic.

I suddenly feel very light headed. Of course someone will need to replace me for a time being, not forever, I try to reassure myself though it does me no good. I take the pen and paper from Winnie dreading having to do this. I take the pen in my right hand and press it to the page but my hand is shaking so much that I can't write and I end up dropping the pen on my lap. What is happening?, I think. Frustrated I pick up the pen and try again but the same thing happens. I can't even pick up a Pen! First the stuttering and now I can't even sign my own name! I start to hyperventilate and I soon find that I can't breathe. I see Winnie stand up and quickly press the emergency button. My vision goes blurry but I see figures come into the room and I feel an oxygen mask on my face. Breathing becomes a lot easier and I can hear Winnie talking to one of the Doctors, telling them what happened.

"Spike, if you can hear me, I want you to get some rest. I think that there may have been some damage to your brain and nerves. We won't know until after the test results have come in.", the Doctor that I heard talking to Winnie tells me cheerlessly.

I squeeze my eyes even tighter closed. Brain and nerve damage, I can only imagine what that will mean.

**A/N- Cliff hangers! I will try to update again very soon, and please review!**


	10. Tears will fall

**A/N- I'm finally done this chapter! In chapter nine I meant to thank . but it didn't show up, sorry about that! Also thank you to everyone who gave me any ideas, especially gryff (gryffen1). I hope that I fit them all in, if they aren't in this chapter then they will probably be in the next.**

_Spikes pov_

I give up on falling asleep after having my eyes closed for a few hours, I open my eyes to see Greg, Ed, and Rosa sitting in the chairs, asleep in very uncomfortable looking positions. I am surprised to see outside my room's window the hospital is bustling with people. Claire Jenkins, my nurse, sees me awake and walks into my room, smiling.

"How are you feeling this morning", she asks kindly.

I suddenly feel very irritated and shout, "I am sick of people a – a – asking me that! How do you think I am f – feeling, I am stuck in a hospital b – bed with p – p – possible brain and nerve damage!"

Everyone in the room is awake now. Claire tries to get me to calm down, but the Boss must see that it's not working because he starts to talk to me in a soothing voice. I see him gesture with his head to Ed and everyone leaves the room quietly.

"Hey Spike, I know that you're sick of being in this stupid hospital, but don't worry buddy we will get you out of here soon", Parker says to me.

"I know, I am sorry, I have no idea what came over me, it was like a switch just flipped on inside of me", I reply.

"It looks like a Doctor is here to see you, I am going to talk to him about getting you out of here sooner okay?" Greg says to me with a small smile as he leaves the room.

I know that I won't be getting out of here in probably a long time but it still feels nice to hear someone say that I might.

I watch Greg and Ed talking to the Doctor with Rosa standing slightly off to the side. The Doctor must have said something that upsets my team's captains because they both suddenly look angry and worried at the same time. I feel my eyes travel to where Rosa is standing hoping that maybe her face will tell me what the Doctor said. I see her standing there stiffly with tears falling down her face. Watching her cry makes me want to jump out of my stupid hospital bed and run over to her and ask why she is crying , I would tell her that whoever hurt her was going to soon see my fist in their pretty little face. It would be just like the old days. Until I realised that the person who made her tears fall was me. Whatever the Doctor had said was very bad, bad enough for Rosa to start crying.

_Sam's pov_

I continue to mutter to myself about Spike, feeling like this was it, this was what was going to break me. Being unable to save my poor baby sister, killing Matt, feeling the glare of the General everywhere I went, and now killing Spike. It was too much to take.

I could hear Jules talking to me telling me that it wasn't me who hurt Spike, but I wasn't listening I was too busy drowning myself in my own misery. Luckily Jules phone started to ring, breaking me out of my bubble.

I waited to see if Jules was going to answer it but when she didn't I said, "What if it is someone important or if it's Miss Scarlatti inviting you to Spikes funeral?"

"Spike's not dead, there is not going to be a funeral", Jules answered but she went to get her phone.

I watched her intently wanting to know who it was and also glad that I had something to focus on instead of my own problems.

"What the heck is subdural hematoma?", Jules says.

I knew what subdural hematoma was but I didn't bother telling Jules since she obviously thought that was what Spike had. I knew the truth though Spike was dead and Jules was trying to convince herself that he was still alive and I wasn't a vicious murderer.

Jules says, still talking on her cell, "We will be there soon."

Jules glances at me as she grabs our coats, "Whatever you are going to say Sam, save it, we are going to the hospital because this time Spike might actually be dying."

**A/N- I hope you liked it! I am sorry if the writing was a bit different from the other chapters I haven't written on this fanfic for a while. Please review!**


	11. psychotic

**A/N- Once again I am so sorry that I haven't updated in what seems like twenty years. Anyway I hope that you enjoy this chapter. BTW I haven't decided whether Spike should die or not so please give me your inputs on that, Thanks.**

_Gregs pov_

_Spike, oh my God spike, why does it have to be you?, _I think as I pace rapidly back and forth. I stop pacing as I see Jules rush in through the doorway with Sam trailing slowly behind her. But try as I might my dreadful thoughts wouldn't leave my head.

"Jules! Thank goodness you're here.", I said to her, then turning to the rest of the team, "OK guys so we all know by now that Spike's condition is serious and there is a chance that he might...", I stumble on the word not being able to say it. Thankfully the rest of the team nod their heads slowly looking grave.

"Well, well, well aren't we all a sad looking bunch. You are all delusional idiots! Spike's already dead and he won't be coming back." Sam says while he leans casually against the hospital wall with his arms crossed. "Ha-ha and thank goodness for that."

"Sam ! What are you saying? you don't mean that!", Jules shouts out.

I watch Sam's face carefully trying to read what he is thinking, going through, but I can't seem to understand him like I normally can.

"Oh trust me I do. He was a nuisance to our team, always such a baby. We will be better without him now."

"Hey! Watch what you're saying Sam", Ed says pushing forward to face Sam looking ready to punch him and if I knew Eddie as well as I thought I did, if he got worked up enough he would punch him.

"Guys", Leah warns, her voice low, quickly glancing at me.

I understand my cue and say quickly, my brain and voice transferring to work mode, "Jules why don't you take Sam for a walk and come back soon." Jules nods and luckily Sam follows her willingly.

"Okay so the doctor told me that they are giving Sam a craniotomy in 3 hours, there is a fifty- fifty chance it will work." I say to the rest of the team.

I will call Winnie and get Peter to take her shift." Leah says walking away with her cell phone in her hand.

"I got Rosa:, Ed tells me. "Goodluck."

I give him a nod, we both knew that Spike was having some trouble with his father. I tried dialling his home number first.

"Hello?", I women's voice answers on the first ring.

"Hi, this is Sargent Greg Parker from the SRU, I work with Spike."

"Oh yes, yes. Michelangelo talks to us about you all the time, is there something wrong? Did something happen to him!?"

"..",I hesitate, " Yes there has been an accident, Spike was severely injured and is in the hospital. He will be undergoing surgery in a few hours."

"Oh my God!", I hear the phone drop then some yelling in rushed Italian. The phone gets picked up, "We will be here soon." After that the line goes dead.

_Sam's pov_

Wow this world is crazy, everyone seems to be either dying or dead. Even Spike was dead.

I can distantly hear Juliana talking to me. It was getting kind of annoying, so I told her to stop. Not that anyone ever listens to me so she just kept blabbing away. "Shut up!", I shout feeling this untamed rage bubbling up inside me. "Just shut up Juliana !", I yell again, this time shoving her against the wall.

"Yeesh Braddock what is your problem, you've been acting so weird lately I'm mean like gosh, you are such an obnoxious brat." Jules tells me.

I slowly look around feeling dizzy and I see everyone's face is going blurry it feels like the whole world is trying to drown me. So I kick and scream until I feel people pulling me to the ground. And that was going to be it, the world had succeeded in drowning me, I was dead.

**A/N-Okay so, if I get enough reviews, follows and favourites it will definitely inspire me to update way faster! So please do any of those three… or all of them **


	12. Finale

**A/N- So I realize that many of you were probably thinking that I was never going to update and I am soooo sorry for that. This chapter is definitely not my greatest and if you find it totally horrible I apologize in advance I just wasn't finding the inspiration to keep writing so this will be the last chapter, I was trying to think of a good way to end it and this is the best I could come up with. Also sorry if I go a bit OC.**

_**Sam's pov**_

I shoot upright in my bed as I awake from my nightmare drenched in sweat and heaving. I force myself to breathe deeply. Once I've calmed down a bit I sink back against my pillows and go over the nightmare, that had felt like a memory instead of a dream, in my head. I had gone crazy! I thought that Spike was dead when really he wasn't though he could have been because of me and there was a girl named Rosa that was spikes long lost friend that he hadn't talked to in years. I quickly turn my head to look at my alarm clock on my side table. 3:43 A.M too early to call Jules and find out whether any of this had happened. I think quickly about what I could do, there was no way I could go back to sleep now, I recall that I had spoken to Natalie in the nightmare so she would be able to tell if it was real, plus she told me that her door was always open no matter the time. I hopped out of bed not bothering to change into day clothes and grabbed my coat.

Five minutes later when I arrived at Natalie's apartment I knocked loudly on the door and called her name. I was surprised when Natalie opened the door right away.

"Oh hey Sam, what's up?", she says popping the P as she sways against the door.

I almost forget the reason I'm there as I see her wobbling there, "Are you drunk?", I ask.

"uhhh", she giggles, "what do you think?"

I brush past her, walk into the living room and sit down on one of the couches. "Natalie, I have to talk to you and I need you to focus."

"My big bro isn't gonna get mad at me is he?", She asks me with wide eyes. She just looks so young right now.

"no, I need to ask you something. Did I come in here the other day with Jules… maybe upset?" I say, remembering my state in the dream."

"Jules ! How has she been?", Natalie winks at me suggestively.

"Come on, I need you sobered up right now, was _I_ in _here _a day or two ago?"

"Fiiine, no you weren't the last time I saw you was a week ago when I came to visit you at work."

"Thank you, now get into bed and go to sleep I'll see you tomorrow", I say getting up to leave, I wanted to get home in time to have a shower and get to work early so I could talk to the Boss.

"Yes mother", she sighs getting up as well.

I leave as soon as I see her get snuggled up in the sheets. I walk slowly down the hallway towards the elevator now taking my time thinking about the past events.

I get to the SRU 20 minutes early, plenty of time to talk to Greg and then pretend I was just coming in so I could see what Spike was saying to Winnie and how he reacted when I bumped into him. I don't know why but I thought that maybe what happened in my dream would happen again today.

I see Greg in the workout room getting a head start on training. I call his name as I make my way over to him. He turns his head as he sees me, "Hey Braddock, you up for a difficult session today? Because I have a good one planned."

So from the way he was acting I obviously wasn't just recently getting out of the hospital from some psychotic break. I would ask him a couple questions just to be sure nothing had ever actually happened.

"So um Boss? Have you ever heard of subdural hematoma? Or a nurse named Claire?", I ask hopefully.

"No", Sargent Parker answers, looking at me quizzically.

"Good, I hope you never do", I turn around and leave quickly before he can ask me what I'm talking about.

Now I only had more thing to do now that I knew my nightmare hadn't happened…yet. I exit the building after I look at my watch, I have about a minute before Spike arrives to talk to Winnie. I remember the sad look she gave Spike when she saw Rosa in the hospital room with him and decided to convince him to ask her out already. I see Spike walk into the building and I wait about another minute before I follow him in. I walk into the door and I see Winnie laughing and Spike leaning on Winnie's desk in exactly the same position he was in my dream. I storm past him the same way I had done before and I hear him ask me if I'm okay and that's when I know that for some crazy reason I had seen the future. I know that my nightmare is happening, this time in real life. The only difference is this time I won't make the same mistakes again, this time I will be ready.

_**The end **_

**A\N- Please review and tell me what you thought, don't hesitate to favourite as well! **** Over and out. **


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